Ain't Nobodies Business if You Do the Sound Guy
by B.Starling
Summary: crackfic of sorts Sasuke's search for a bride turns into a hit reality TV show- with Naruto and the gang as the film crew. Secrets are revealed-love is found and made -and 12 girls will be sent home. Who'll win the Teme's heart? foul language and slash


XxX Preface of Sorts XxX

The tension was thick enough to cut with a knife- no little butter knife either, I'm talking meat cleaver worthy. A huge black limousine inched up the mile long driveway, finally coming to a halt a few feet away. I heard fourteen other sharp breaths sucked into anxious lips with my own. The driver emerged, decked out from head to toe in a driving miss daisy uniform. Walking incredibly slowly he reached the for the other door. My burning lungs told me I should take another breath, but my jaw stayed locked. _I can breathe in a second- just wait one more second_- my new mantra ran on an LCD screen behind my eyes. I had missed Jeeves grabbing the handle; the door was already being pulled open when I returned to reality. The old geezer stepped aside, leaving a gaping hole of black interiored-tinted windowed-light lacking-darkness. Something seemed to materialize in slow motion, clearly visible in the harsh light of the falsely lit veranda. Holy shit- a shoe! A shiny black Prada shoe, with a finish much like the limo's, attached to a black trousered leg, attached to more Prada, attached to a long slender neck and a sharp chin. I closed my eyes; peeking through the left to made sure I wasn't dreaming. _God no_- it was real-_ he_ was real. Standing right there before me- a literal representation of stunningly gorgeous- his black hair perfectly placed- pale skin flawless-eyes dark and broody as they glanced around- right there, in person- Sasuke fucking Uchiha! Stopping in front of me-us-them- whatever, he surveyed the group before him.

"Hello. As some of you may know, my name is Uchiha Sasuke. I would like to welcome you all to my home, and hopefully welcome one of you into my heart." My insides turned to goo. The most gorgeous man in the world was offering his love to me! ... us...them... whatever! The girls all tried not to squeal. "Now you'll walk up and introduce yourselves- one at a time!" Deidara's voice boomed through the huge megaphone- right behind my freaking head! They walked up ne by one in their slutty little dresses- each one the same in a different shade of bimbo. Shiny slut blue, shimmery tramp magenta, sparkly whore puce- it was sickening.

"Ino," One of the girls said slowly, trying to sound seductive. I gagged when she flipped her hair over her shoulder. "Nice to meet you." Sasuke nodded. She looked rather pleased with herself as she took her place once again. "H-Hinata-" the next girl stuttered. A few of the other girls snickered when she blushed. I glared at them all. She was the only one **not** wearing something satin, low cut, and high hemmed. I silently cursed each and every snickerer. "Bitches..." Sasuke's eyes flashed towards me. I felt a blush rise in my cheeks when he quickly looked away. Everyone else was still staring. "Sorry..." I whispered. They immediately got back to work. I silently(making sure to keep my mouth shut) cursed myself for being an idiot. "It's a pleasure meeting you." Sasuke didn't skip a beat. "I'm Sakura," a girl with weird abc gum colored hair said confidently. She had her hand stuck out, waiting impatiently. Sasuke raised a thin eyebrow before kissing it gently. "Pleased to make your aquaintence." he said as she walked back to her spot, shooting the other girls a triumphant look. I shot her the fiercest glare of death I had ever shot.

"Ladies," A new voice said loudly as a mass of silver spikes appeared next to Sasuke. "My name is Kakashi, and I'm going to be your amazingly attractive host." I smiled, trying not to roll my eyes. "Tone it down Kakashi!" Deidara shouted. I jumped this time- at least a foot in the air. "Sorry!" he yelled down at me- "Oops, sorry, hn!" he laughed, moving the megaphone away from his lips to flash me a cheeky smile. That time I did roll my eyes. "Now that you have all been introduced, it's time to get inside and prepare for your first challenge. We'll all meet in the music room in one hour." Kakashi said with a smile. Sasuke glanced at him quickly before turning to the girls once more. "Good luck, I look forward to seeing you all again shortly." He gave a dismissing nod. They al giggled before racing up the stairs into the immense castle-esque 'house'.

"Camera one cut- the rest of you follow the ninnies, hn!" Deidara's megaphone-less (thank god) voice shouted over the bustling crew. "I want you with Kiba, Naruto. Kakashi would kill me if he couldn't keep an eye on you at all times." I sighed. "fine." I gave Shikamaru a halfhearted wave as he booked it up the stairs. I was about to groan when I realized I was going to e staying with Kiba- camera 1- Sasuke's camera! I almost squealed like a rabid fangirl as i set the gigantically heavy microphone down. "Damn man- there are some HOT chicks, eh?" Kiba raised his eyebrows, elbowing me as he watched the now empty stairs longingly. "Look like a bunch of skeletal bitches to me." I mumbled. He laughed. "I heard!" I felt my face drop and burn. "Shut up- go fall in a hole and die." He laughed again at my pathetic retort. "As long as I can take them with me." I laughed with him before we headed for the 'refreshment' table. In movies and on TV, you see a table full of little triangular sandwiches, nice thirst quenching beverages, and all manner of random delicious foods. In real life, it's a store bought veggie platter, generic sodas, and shitty peanut butter and jelly on dried out wonder bread. Snatching a can of 'Mountain Lightening' (super sweet mountain dew- though slightly less sweet than mellow yellow) I took a huge gulp. Said gulp came spewing from my mouth only moments later when I was whomped on the head...hard.

"Shit! What the hell was that for?" I futilely wiped at the wet spots on my shirt. "For interrupting... watch your mouth, Naruto. You're far too young to use such foul language." Kakashi smiled from behind his stupid mask. He claimed he needed it all times of camera, as it was 'essential to his spiritual well being'. Whatever. "You should never interrupt our shoots... even if they are bitches." My blush returned, ten fold. "I DIDN'T DO IT ON PURPOSE!" I screamed through gritted teeth. Swinging my arms to emphasize my point, I unwittingly started everything. Not the stupid reality show, being on the sound crew, or having the hots for the star. Nope. none of that was really important. My stupidity and a half can of Mountain Lightening changed my life, for better and/or worse.


End file.
